Goat soup

Tonight after work I went out for dinner with Otter, Toners, and P-Dawg (Toners' dad). It was a good time, as is to be expected with that crowd. Toners and Otter are among my best friends and two of the few people around which I can feel comfortable saying anything. P-Dawg seems to fit in to this group too, which is kind of weird, given the generational gap. On the other hand, I feel like my relationship with *real* adults has changed immensely between being 17-19 and 20-22. In addition, P-Dawg is just one of those guys who can simultaneously be completely straight with you, be supportive, and be nonjudgmental. It almost doesn't make sense. Even so, I'd feel almost as comfortable opening up to him as I would my own parents or close friends.

Interestingly enough, the conversation tonight turned toward a friend of P-Dawg's and the doubts this friend had about himself. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not (I lean toward yes), but the emotions articulated reminded me very much of my own emotions. In relating his story, P-Dawg effectively related his support of me (in addition to explicitly stating it). On the one hand, I'd be very happy if it were the case that P-Dawg related the story for the purpose of supporting me. On the other hand, it'd be even better if he related the story as a sort of human solidarity, recognizing the struggles and emotions we all go through, and the importance of relating our experiences to those who care about us so that they can lend support. I see it as a combination of motives. I believe P-Dawg was sincere in his universal application of the situation, but still might have made a special emphasis given the situation I'm in and the fact that it had been acknowledged earlier.

On the whole, it was a very nice dinner. Not to discount the support of my friends or parents, but the opinion of P-Dawg (and a few select others who are close but not too close) really has an effect on my confidence. I expect the support of my friends and family, but it's a pleasant bonus to have the support of those who have a decidedly smaller stake in my success. It's the difference between being in a band where your only fans are friends and family and reaching that point where you meet someone who doesn't know you and simply appreciates the music. It makes me feel like my plight has some credence.

To go in the completely opposite direction, I'm again reminded of how far I've fallen. There's been a picture slide show on my parents' PC of pictures that were taken during my first weekend in college. That's about three and a half years ago. One of those pictures is the one at the top of this post. It's cake for all the Reilly Scholars with each of our names on it. It essentially meant that we were among the top applicants admitted to the university. That puts me in about the top 2% of applicants for my year (according to GPA, standardized tests, etc. I don't doubt there were better applicants that didn't get included, but at the time, I looked damn good on paper). Now I'm probably in the bottom 2% of students. I never would have thought that possible. I still can't really wrap my mind around it. I know I'm not stupid. I used to work hard. I used to earn top honors in everything I did. Why don't I anymore? Why didn't I react when I saw it all falling apart?